Nothing to do with love or the Pacific.

I am neurotic. Often times I cannot sleep because I am either devoted to completing that last household chore or researching some random thought.

Fear drives my neurosis. I fear that buying my house was a mistake. Every last flaw in the house is a sermon preached to me on the theme "Paul is a big fat idiot for buying this house." Every sermon brings an inward sense of condemnation and remorse. I wonder how devalued my house is after one year of owning it. It has probably devalued so much that the bank will claim my firstborn child. Any way, every chore that I do not complete is just another reminder of what a mistake the house is.

What about the research of random thoughts? My fear of amnesia drives my research. I fear amnesia for three good reasons. One: I have amnesia. Two (a): people who have amnesia regularly experience socially awkward pregnant pauses during dialogue. Two (b): I fear being socially awkward. Three: This process of persistently remembering and reflecting upon my amnesia is in itself a fearfully confusing situation.

Researching random thoughts is an exercise which is meant to ameliorate my amnesia. However, it has really become an exercise in futility. Late at night I frequently have novel thoughts (novel to my brain so far as I can recall). I search the internet, my bookshelf and maybe even call Mom. Invariably in my research I run across thousands of new little facts which my mind will readily lose track of. In the morning I will remember that I was researching, but I will remember nothing about the research. If I'm lucky I will remember to put pants on over my boxers before leaving the house.